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"You're Just Mad at God!"

Hmm... You're right. I've never thought of it that way before. I guess I'm also furious at Zeus, Odin, Nayru, Santa, the Easter Bunny, and all the other things I don't believe in. They ruin everything.

In case you can't read my sarcasm, no, I'm not mad at God. I have nothing to be mad about. I just simply don't believe anymore. However, there was a time when I was mad at God. We'll start my story about 10 years ago, with what used to be a pivotal point in my testimony: the first time I tried to deconvert, but for all the wrong reasons.

It all started while I was dating my ex. We were being naughty. As in, fornicating (I used to have troubles admitting to that out of fear of being judged, but whatever). You get the idea. Mistakes were made.

And then I went back to church. The band played "God of This City," and I begged God to use me. But then some small voice in the back of my head which I rationalized as God said, "repent."

So I told my ex we should stop being naughty. She said absolutely not, and threatened to break up with me. So, mistakes were continued.

And then I went back to church. The band played "God of This City," and I begged God to use me. But the same small voice in the back of my head which I rationalized as God said, "repent." ...Again.

So I explained to the small voice-that-I-rationalized-as-God that if I stopped being naughty with my ex, she would dump me. It retorted with, "who's more important, me or her?"

That's when I rage-quit Christianity. I ran with whatever reason I could find to disbelieve in God. After all, if he didn't exist, he couldn't tell me no.

This lasted only about a week. That was all it took for my life to take a nosedive. My ex dumped me anyway, my car broke down (it was doing that every other week by this point, but this time the transmission went out), and the busy season hit. My time at work skyrocketed to the point where I had zero free time left. I did buy a new car, but this also broke down. And then, after several months of crazy overtime, the busy season stopped just as quickly as it had begun and my life was suddenly void of anything I valued.


A drawing I completed after these hardships. I started it before the break-up, but afterwards added details to make it appear the picture had been torn into the rough shape of a heart.

Shortly thereafter, I went back to church, finally repented and offered to volunteer. I actually ended up volunteering for two different churches. That's how repentful I was.

It wasn't until much later that I would realize that all my misfortune was merely a coincidence. Several times while sharing my testimony, other Christians would pipe in to remind me that God doesn't actually work that way. Apparently, he doesn't punish people to scare us back into a relationship with him. I can confirm this, since that terrifying wave of adversity hasn't repeated itself since I lost my faith this last time. Troubles have still come my way, but no more or less than what I consider usual for my life. Therefore, I must conclude that everything that I had suffered during my previously attempted deconversion must have been just a nasty fluke, an unremarkable piece of what I've come to accept as my life.

As for the small voice? I'll go more into that another week. I think I'll stop here today. If you're curious of the real reasons I've left religion behind, or just genuinely want to continue reading my story, feel free to click subscribe up above, or follow me on Facebook for notifications.

Thanks for reading!

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